Things aren't always what they seem

I don't remember many chapel moments during my Rochester College days.  True Story.  And - because I can't suppress the urge to apologize - "I'm sorry Dean Cain and President Johnson, I don't remember much from chapel."

There are some things I remember though......

One of them was a day Coach Pleasant delivered our message....... 

Coach Pleasant was a teacher at Rochester College, it was Michigan Christian College then, he was also the basketball coach.  He was funny, I mean really funny.  I only had one class with him, but I remember thinking, on several occasions, "If all teachers made learning this interesting, maybe I would learn more."  (not accepting responsibility for my learning process is a separate blog altogether)

So, he sat on stage as we endured the obligatory schedule, 2 songs, prayer, one song, message.  He was so dapper.  I use that word because it feels weird calling him 'good looking' - but he was.  He was really good looking and always 'put together' in a beautiful suit.

This day - he started out with the typical humor..... and then it got serious.  I remember this dapper man speaking to us in his three piece suit and saying that 'things aren't always as they seem.'  He removed his suit jacket to reveal a vest with back ripped up the seam.  He revealed dirty shirts under ripped vests and holes in socks hidden in shoes with no soles.   We only saw the polished, outer layer from where he sat, until he revealed the worn, weathered, broken layers

'Things aren't always what they seem,'  yet we are consumed with how things 'look'....... how things 'look' to us........how we present things to 'look' for others.  That seed was planted almost 20 years ago.  My soil didn't get mature enough to grow that seed until almost 2 years ago.  It was still there though.  It waited. Waited to grow it's roots in to my heart. Waited to grow it's bloom in to my life.  

I was often a deceiver by creating a 'high-light reel' of what I wanted others to see when they looked. I wanted people to be impressed so I was careful about what I included.  Yet, I suppressed, even denied at times, my 'behind the scenes' footage.

I wanted people to think I had it all together, so I'd strategically insert details of my Mom/Wife/Hard-working/Church-Going balancing act.  I would omit, however, the short tempered moments with my husband and children in an effort to maintain the balancing act.

When I finally decided my behind the scenes footage was more important than my high-light reel, I had to look closely at that footage.  I had to look closely at the layers underneath. I saw a torn heart burdened with guilt and shame.  I saw an obsession to earn the love and acceptance I desperately craved.  I saw contradiction between what I said was important to me and the choices I made.

I knew I couldn't change the footage behind the scenes of yesterday, but the scenes of tomorrow weren't yet written. I began to mend the fabric of my garments.  I began to clean the cobwebs from the corners of my heart.  I began filling my heart with love.  I began filling my heart with truth.  I began to offer myself the love and acceptance I so desperately craved.

It's daily work... to 'be as you wish to seem.'  It's life-giving, heart-filling, thanks-giving work.

The high-light reel still calls to me.......especially when I allow myself to be distracted by the high-light reels around me.  Then I remember, we all have some ripped vests and holy socks.  I need to focus only on mending mine.