Every little thing..... is gonna be alright...

That straw that breaks the camel's back is super sneaky... isn't it?

The last couple weeks have been leading me toward that straw and the camel's back in the most subtle of ways........busy-ness, new school routines, new sports routines, relationship challenges ,work-place changes............ this was all so subtle...........I had no idea over-whelmed-ness had been lurking in the doorway until that straw broke that back.

So- for me- that proverbial straw was Celine Dion.  Driving with my Oldest riding shotgun.

Damn it Celine!

Don't get me wrong- I am not a Celine hater.  Nor............am I  a Celine lover.  I can't even remember what song it was.  But instantly I could tell the damn was going to break. And that was not very convenient.

For those of you that know me - you know I get teary over just about anything - yeah......... make that everything.  My kids' art - tears. Commercials - tears.  Movies - tears.  My kids think it's annoying and funny all at the same time.  ~ ~Don't worry......... I am sure to remind them how funny and annoying they are too.  That's what good Moms do - right? Rhetorical - don't answer that. ;)

But truly..............very rarely do I actually 'cry' - like 'Niagra Falls' cry.  Like - belly aching , boob shaking (if I had any) cry.  Not kidding - I have never felt so connected to anyone in the world than when Cameron Diaz's character made that exact same confession in The Holiday.  (Well - there's an unexpected glimpse in to all that is brutal and beautiful about me.)

So Celine - on the radio - I thought for sure it was going to be Niagra Falls for sure.  So I quickly sucked all of that Niagra Falls right back in and instead - I snapped.... real.... mean.... at that Oldest Daughter to find a better station - STILL a station with my music - just not that station with Celine.

Phew- Niagra Falls detour!

But we were going to Nana/Papa house for a meal - so I knew I had to let some of what was hurting  out...........real quick and sneaky like - 'cause there are too many people there that see right through my thin facade.  So I got out my big blue book and started writing as quick as I could......... journaling usually helps me avoid the ugly cry and continue a bit longer with the 'I'm okay- everything's great' response  I  throw around effortlessly.

Not. This. Time.  My writing purge was interrupted by Doxology.  That song.  That song that sings thanks and praise to God from whom all blessings flow.  We sing it as our prayer before every meal at Nana/Papa house.  I love it.  Like....... favorite part of my week love it.............. but today- doxology threw me over the edge.  That was it.  Tears.... big. time. tears.

I mean - it. is so. true. My blessings are far greater than my stress-ings.  And sometimes truth makes us cry.  And it did.  And I did.  well- sort of-- I still didn't let the full Niagra out - but there were tears on cheeks - not just in the eyes - and that is the closest I've gotten to really crying in a long time.

So I promptly asked that Oldest to make a plate for Youngest - cause I just can't even make a plate on the verge of the Falls.  ~~~~~~~ (Seriously?  Who let me be an adult and have children??  Ridiculousness!)     Nevertheless............. I went right back to writing in my big blue book.  And I just spewed words fast and fierce and messy into that safe paper.

Words like.... alone......hurt......never..........how..........fault...........mistakes...............

Because in that safe paper I tell the truth: the truth  I'm afraid to say to other people; the truth  I'm afraid to say to myself.  And so I did...... I told the truth......... and I wrote and wrote and spewed so much truth on to those pages that I could feel Niagra Falls retreating with every word. That was the goal.  No crying.  Nope.  Not today.

What is it about crying that scares me So DAMN MUCH??   Seriously- if I'm being honest - and that is my only agreement with my creativity and myself in this space...........I think if we would all have a good cry once in awhile and sprinkle in an episode of tantrum every other cry............ we'd all be a bit more healthy.

But, instead, we demonize this stress release out of Humans as soon as possible. Don't cry...........  everything's gonna be alright.    I call bull shit.  Yes.  Things are alright.  But the more we repress every little thing that feels 'not alright' the bigger the volcano of erupting emotion becomes.

Is Celine Dion to blame for my near ugly cry moment?  As much as I would like to blame her and that voice of hers and whatever song it was she was singing; I know it wasn't her..........or her voice.............or her song to blame.  


I was to blame................ I get SO distracted by fancy people and fancy things and fancy busy schedules ...........and I abandon the manna that I have to eat daily or it gets stale really quick.......and........... I abandon the stillness where I open to the I Am..... hearing His voice and feeling His peace............  And I abandon my gift-counting...........the finding joy in the mundane everyday moments of every day life.

And eventually............. all that abandoning leads me to forget.  It leads me to forget who I am and Whose I am.  

Believe me - I want to find someone else to blame in the seasons like this.......and I did for more years than I'd like to admit.  But that only made it all so much more not alright...........it only increased my pain and it spewed my pain on to all of the people I loved the most.   And so now - I hold on to that pain and the hot loneliness until I learn from it all it has to teach me.  That part of this 'un-becoming'  is SO hard!!  Like Rubiks Cube hard.  Like helping your teenager with her Algebra hard.

I'm learning more and more that I can do hard things.  And, truth be told, abandoning this journey of 'un-becoming' and re-membering myself and becoming closer to the person God designed me to be is hard.............. but not nearly as hard as pretending every little thing is going to be alright............... when, in fact, it isn't.

 And so I start again................. I start again with the stillness and the Word of life............ and the gift counting and 're-membering' myself.

Every new morning............ with birds outside my doorstep.........there is a another chance to show up and try again.  It's an invitation to embrace the truth that 'every little thing is NEVER going to be alright.  '  And that's okay.     Most things will be alright.........and the rest will be opportunities to build strength, compassion and empathy.

So I will find the stillness........... again............and i will start the gift counting............again...........and I will never give up on myself............again.  This is my message to me.

I never listen......

Y'all...........please listen..........don't do as I do.......... do as I say......... Yes.  I just said that.

I have amazing people in my life.  People that love me no matter how badly I screw shit up.  People that love me enough to tell me the truth through affectionate, compassionate, love.  People that show up to sit with me while I try to clean my house - because SQUIRREL!  People that listen and pour a glass a wine.  People that listen and turn on the perfect music.  People that listen and PLAY the best music- just so I can sing harmony.  People that deliberately schedule time to 'hang with me' (when they are an important professional and a mother, and a wife, and a volunteer and a leader of a small women's Bible study group........... you get my point) JUST to see if i am okay.

'Let's get together' she said.
'But you're so busy with important things' i said.
'Bloody Marys' she said.
'yes' i said.

And then she said.............. 'you're not okay.  And that's okay.  And you don't have to tell me - but I just want you to know I'm here.  And I love you.  No mater what.'

What in the actual hell - I thought.  Who in the actual hell does she think she is? I am in the healthiest place I have ever experienced - in. my. life.  Just who in he hell......... does she think she is?  Does she not know?  Has she not heard?  I am the one that bears a penance to be there for everyone; fill all the holes.  I must fix the mistakes in others I had made on my own.  That is my job.

But........ i smiled......... and i listened.......... because.....there has to be a turning point here.  I can't handle another conversation all about the 'ways Joanna went wrong.'  i just can't.  Believe me - I have sat through that conversation a dozen times AT LEAST!  People LOVE to tell me all about how I went wrong AND WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING.

But what to my wondering ears should appear???????

 then............ she also said...... i trust you........ and i love you........ and you are one of the few that will ever know......... but...........

'My heart hurts' she said.... and 'I have this dream'....... and 'I don't think it will happen'......... and 'I'm worried that I disappoint my child' she said.   And 'I am sure my marriage is in trouble' she said.

And then I knew.........I knew exactly who in the actual hell she thought she was.  I knew it clear as day.

She thought she was an actual friend.

And she was.  And she is.

And I was actually in actual physical pain that night #becausecrohns but I leaned in to all of her words anyway.  I wanted to hear her hurts.  I wanted to help her bear the fear of disappointing that child.  And I wanted her to know that I understood the feeling of a marriage in peril.

And then.............. I saw the beauty of friendship emerge.  As I listened....and hurt for her......I opened myself to the idea that I could knock down another wall - and be honest- to a real person - not just to high-light reels on this inter-web.

And we talked.  Boy did we talk?!

And we laughed.  She wasn't looking for me to point out all of the mistakes I have made.  She sought me out because she knew I was a safe place to tell the truth.  Yes....... she also was concerned about me......... and I love her for that............. but she had zero percent judgment and zero suggestions for what I should be doing differently and better and fancier and holier and healthier............ she just had a million intentions of .......'I'm here for you'........and 'It's safe here'............ 'This isn't the same as the friends/family you've endured before.'

If I didn't know better - I would have credited the Bloody Marys  -but that Crohns hurt so bad- I couldn't even finish mine.  #prayformeyall  This was real community - with a REAL friend.  A friend that told the truth and offered compassion and kindness and tenderness and gentleness and all of the Fruits.

And here's the thing............ the more people I meet...........the more I realize.......... this is what we're looking for.  REAL life....... with REAL people that become REAL friends.

We want to be in a community where we don't have to fear being voted off the island because we tell the truth...... or because our feelings are really big one day and they spill over from our insides right out in to the open for everybody to see.

We want to be loved and embraced in to the folds of life whether we're keeping up with the Jones' or not.  Where I live should NEVER impact the way you feel about me.  and vice versa.   The same equation should work for the clothes I wear - the car I drive and the company I keep.

So today - we start the idea of REAL life relationships......... REAL life friends........... and REAL community.  You are invited.  YES!! You!! You are loved.  You are in.......... with the 'in crowd' baby!!!

Here's the thing........... I am sure there will be people that voice their opposition .......... but......... I never listen.  ; )