Every New Beginning .....

I spent my morning at church.  

I gathered with the same community I've gathered with for 8 years- give or take a few people. 

Mostly it seemed like any other Sunday.  We drank coffee.  We hugged and laughed a lot.  Kids played and ran around a giggled.  We sang songs about redemption and restoration and salvation and Holy Hallelujahs. 

And we remembered where we came from.  This Renovate community that believes God's promise to never reject His people- but to restore them and have mercy on them. Jeremiah 33

And then we talked about how  that renovation sometimes requires ripping down the walls to the bare frame.  Because that insulation is too thin and those windows are drafty and too much brokenness can seep in to our hearts.... our minds. ... our lives.

And we celebrated what that renovation has looked like in our own lives as we journeyed toward that cross of mercy and sacrifice together.  And we celebrated what renovation has looked like for our community: in showing up to 'Love People' in unsuspecting places.

And we served each other during our last supper.  We humbly offered broken bread and wine as a symbol of what provides us love everlasting and the ability to share that everlasting love to ALL who will receive it.

And I cried.  When I served that teenage daughter communion and said, "Kendal, this is the body of Christ broken for you and His blood shed for you."  I cried.  What a privilege to share such a life - giving sacrament with my child.  I cried.

And then I took those teary eyes and humble heart right back up to offer one last song with this worship leader that has changed the way I bring my offering of song.  Its not about the music- its about the worship. And we worshipped fierce, "He makes everything glorious....." And He does.

That was our last 'church' morning together.  Renovate, the community that has nurtured a journey of deeper love and humility, and acceptance and mercy for eight years, will no longer be the church community I've always known it to be.

We will still be family, of this I am sure.   But this ending leads toward a new beginning. 

I'm excited to see what the next book in my church community looks like.  I really am.  And I know I can't begin writing that book until I stop re - reading the last book but before I do-

I want to honor Renovate and everyone that ever joined that community.  Some came for a season, some came for a day, but everyone helped write that Renovate book.  Some chapters were filled with celebration.   Some chapters were filled with hope.  Some chapters were filled with exhaustion. Some chapters were filled with a fresh out pouring of energy and growth. Some chapters were filled with hurt. 

And all of those chapters- the brutal and the beautiful- they all made a wonderful story of a community that just wanted to Love God & Love People.  And we did. And we will.

This is one of my favorite Renovate moments- art credit Kendal Hoppa. 

Thank you. Really. Thank you to every one of you that penned a verse or a chapter of this Renovate book.  And thank you, personally, for accepting me right where I was- all full of myself.  And thank you even more for loving me enough to not leave me there. 

So much Love- Joanna 

You're Doing it Wrong!!'

If you have not seen Mr. Mom..... you really should.  It is hilarious - and ridiculous- but mostly hilarious.  Michael Keaton  plays a guy that is laid off and his wife went back to work, and he is learning just how hard it is to stay home and take care of the house and kids and ....... well, you know.  

In one scene; he is trying to drop his kids off at school....  and it's raining.... like crazy raining...... and he drives in through the exit.... and it causes the entire well-oiled system of drop–offs to seize up completely….and it's painfully hilarious for anyone that has been in that situation.  

Horns are beeping. Parents are raising their hands in protest. And, to add insult to injury, one parent yells, "You're doing it wrong!!"  You can't help but laugh- and that's the point.  

Life is typically a bit less hilarious when it reminds us that we're doing it wrong though eh? 

The oldest daughter; the athletic, competitive, people-pleasing, incredibly talented, extremely helpful, boy-loving daughter- hurt her back last year.  The injury was a result of that volleyball sport she tried.  She doesn't know how to do anything half way- so when she strained a muscle, I wasn't incredibly surprised. 

Well, a whole sport season later, she made that strained muscle really mad long-jumping her athletic, competitive heart out.  That back injury was quiet for so long- we thought we were out of the woods. 

But that's thing about old injuries.....  they reveal their lack of healing at the most unsuspected time.  And they usually come back harder and meaner the second time to remind you, 'You're doing it wrong!'  

As I find myself in the middle of an all too familiar injury; heart break - I hear that reminder in my head and heart over and over.  "You're doing it wrong again! You did that all wrong- again!'  And it's loud and convincing, "YOU ARE ALL WRONG!!"  

If I let myself listen too long..... I start to lose my footing.  I start to believe I AM doing it all wrong- everything- wrong.  And when it feels all wrong - I feel myself stopping all things.  Paralysis sets in.  And everything is just too hard and too heavy to try again - 'cause I just can't handle hearing, 'You're doing it wrong!' again. 

The old me would lose herself in all-things-meaningless to avoid making a meal for my children when the "You're doing it wrong!" chorus began.  I am not kidding - I would binge watch Law and Order or scroll through my FaceBook feed - growing more and more jealous and paralyzed over your super 'doing it right' highlight reel while my backstage footage was full of "You're doing it wrong!"

 If you have ever seen my car, my house or my office during one of these stages of paralysis - you know exactly what I mean.  Laundry?  Cant do it. 

Wash dishes?   For sure not. 

 Make a meal - or a bowl of cereal for that matter?  Too hard. 

Wash the bath tub? Fugedaboudit!  

The new me though- she is learning to find a new response - slowly, but surely- a brand new response to those voices that say, ‘You’re doing it wrong.’  This might put me in a whole new category of crazy - but I'm comfortable with that.  Because I have to shut those voices up!  So I am talking back to them - I am putting them in their place.  I have even written my own new chorus - it's called "Shut the front door!  We don't want you round here no more!" 

Don't get me wrong - I am not denying that I have, in fact, gotten many things wrong.  Oh I have. Believe me.  And I am completely convinced I will make mistakes over and over.  But that is SO different than, ‘You’re doing it wrong.’

My Jody, best counselor in the world, helps me sift through all of the 'stuff' I brought to the table to get me to this place of heart break and overwhelm-ed-ness and grief.  She also is helping me remember that I am not a hostage to my internal critic.  I must intentionally change my internal dialog about myself.  And I am.

I'm actually following the lead of that oldest child on this.  Here's the thing - that back of hers was so hurt - we went to the emergency room - and that oldest girl of mine does NOT like Dr.s let alone emergency rooms.  Her back was in so much pain she was more afraid of what that pain meant than she was the hospital.  That is how much pain she was in.  

But you know what happened just a couple weeks ago - when it was time for soccer in the sand tournament? She showed up!  And she showed up in her true competitive, hold-nothing back form. She wasn't battling with an internal dialog over whether she was going to 'do it wrong again' and hurt her back.  She had learned through Physical Therapy some changes to make while she played sports and she trusted those changes would lead her in the right direction.  And they did. 

So- I will keep showing up.  I will keep counting gifts.  I will keep making our a house a safe home for my loves.  I will trust in the Lord, lean on Him, rely on Him with all of my heart. I will tackle one task at a time and applaud long and hard for me every time.  

And- as I move forward - one foot in front of the other- and breathing in and breathing out - I am going to trust myself.  I'm going to trust that the things I've learned will lead me toward God's plan of working all of this hot mess together for good.  

And I will not be held hostage to the critics; internal or otherwise.  'Cause that would be 'doing it wrong.' 

Escaping the belly of brutal......again......

It's no secret that I am a huge fan of the way Ann Voskamp speaks life into my weary soul.  She's the one that wrote that book.  The book about finding gifts in the very mundane, every day, ugly-beautiful and counting them to 1,000 and then starting over and counting again.  

Well, recently I happened upon a version of ugly-beautiful that I have let extinguish the beauty of gift-counting for me.  I started listening to the brutal anxiety instead of speaking to it.  I am built that way.  I really am.  I get all swallowed up by the brutal.  When ugly stops by for a visit I lean right in.....I obsess about it.... every brutal bit.  I obsess about what I should have done to avoid it.  I obsess about what I should do to move beyond it.  I obsess about what others think as they observe from the cheap seats.  I obsess......

While I hang out in the belly of brutal obsessing.... all I can hear is the gurgling of condemnation.....all I can feel is the loneliness of being misunderstood and alone..... all I can think about is the fear of being stuck in that belly of brutal..... or worse yet - being spit back up in to the world and everything be exactly as it was before brutal swallowed me right up.  

I really thought my journey over the last few years had been leading me away from this tendency of  brutal obsession.   There have continued to be times that I was tempted to obsess about the brutal- but until this episode- I hadn't been completely swallowed up in quite some time. 

I have been learning to speak truth to myself instead of listening to brutal.  I have been learning to pray about the brutal instead of talking about it.  I have been learning to thank God for the ugly even before He turns that ugly right around for good.  

So....when I found myself in that belly of brutal anxiety again..... I was caught off guard.  It took me awhile to realize I was there.  I tried to pretend I wasn't there... surely anxiety had NOT won again!!  Well..... it did.  Sort of.  I didn't stay in that wretched place for as long as I have in the past.... but I was there.  

Will I ever be cured of my tendency toward anxiety?  Will I ever lose the inclination to lean in toward anxiety obsession?  I don't think that I will.  

And that's okay.  

I will continue to actively fight against my anxiety by starving my ego.  I will continue to look for ways to add value to everyone I am privileged enough to encounter.  I will continue to love and to forgive and to guard my heart.  I will continue to seek community with hope-spreading, truth-telling warriors that allow God to turn brutal into beautiful.  

I will not trick myself into thinking that I've failed if I linger too long with my brutal anxiety.

I have been lighting this candle to help me escape that brutal anxiety belly.  I have always loved candles but after reading Ann's New Year's blog - it inspired me to look at candles very differently.  As I light this candle.......

I am reminded that I am covered in the light of grace that is more than enough to cover my brutal.  I am reminded that the more I focus on the light and specifically sharing the light...... the more I starve my ego and the darkness that accompanies it.  

This candle also reminds me that 'What the heart knows by heart.... the heart knows.'  I have been choosing a verse in the Bible every month as a 'focal point' to say out loud when my brain wants obsess about brutal.  It is amazing what happens when you focus on beautiful truth and say it over and over even when you feel consumed by the darkness of your own ego.  

It is the middle month  and the middle of the week - it does not make any sense to start this habit today - but I hope you will do it anyway!!  Try this one for starters: Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord, lean on Him, rely on Him, and DO NOT rely on what you think you understand in all your human-ness.  Submit, surrender all that you do... yes, even that thing, to the Lord and He WILL make your path straight.  

I'll let you look up the literal Bible version of this verse.  But as I get to be more and more connected to this verse..... this is how I am meditating on it.  

Nothing has changed really...... the brutal is just as brutal as ever...... but my changed perspective has allowed God to turn that brutal into brutiful.  (Learn more about brutiful here - you'll love her!)  Meditating on God's word, my truth, focusing on feeding the light of grace within me and sharing it as much as possible is helping me escape the belly of brutal and receive the gifts as God transforms it in to brutiful.  

I know some of you may have never experienced the burden of brutal or at least not the obsessive anxiety over it.  I'm incredibly grateful that we don't all have to make this pilgrimage.  I really am. If I'm being honest though - and I am- I am horribly jealous of people that just naturally lean toward peace and love and all things positive.  If that happens to be you, I hope you'll consider extending several ounces of understanding when you encounter any of us that happen to get swallowed up in that belly of brutal.  

If you happen to be a resident of anxiety land - please hear this.  You are not alone.  You are not flawed.  You are not a mess - well, not any bigger of a mess than anyone else any way.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Creator of this miraculous universe.  You are loved.  And I am praying for you (and for me) as we learn to embrace our selves in the midst of this reality and share our stories in hopes of encouraging another friend in the belly of brutal.  

Light your candles friends. We'll get through this together.  

Love to all of you- Joanna

My New Year's Resolution

Nope.  I'm not making any New Year's resolutions.  I knew how my resolution story would end:

This just in!  Joanna jumps ship on day three of New Year's resolutions!

So - I'm not setting myself up for failure this time.  Instead, I revisited my core values list.  I re-wrote them, kept some, eliminated some, and added some.  I gave myself several days to think through traits that describe the person I want to be.  I kept the list close as new values came to mind.  

If you've never done this- I highly recommend it.  It is a process I experienced  for the first time several years ago at a Franklin Covey work shop.  The basic concept, goes back to a Socrates quote, "Be as you wish to seem."   I wanted to be a 'good' person and I loosely defined that by doing nice things for other people, being responsible, not stealing, not killing any one.... you know the basics.  In that loose definition... I did okay.  But it never occurred to me to get specific about what 'good person' meant.   It never occurred to me to write down my 'core values.' 

To 'Be' the person to I desired to be, I needed to know what I stood for.  What are the most important things to me in the world?  No - really......  if I died today and had the opportunity to watch my funeral..... what would I 'want' people to say about me?  Am I living in a way that would deserve the things I would want them to say? 

I met myself in a whole new light that day.  I found contradiction between my heart and my behavior, between my mind and my decisions.  How does this happen?  More importantly how am I just now becoming aware of it? In true anxiety-ridden form, I beat myself up about how many years I spent sold out to convenience and the path of least resistance instead of choosing a life based on what I considered important.  

The obvious answer is to get busy changing some things right??  Truth be told: I didn't immediately pull myself up by my bootstraps and blaze a new trail for my next life chapter.  I won't make excuses - I don't even know what my excuses would be.... but I kept making choices that were in complete contradiction to the things that I proclaimed to be important.  I wrote down that financial freedom was important that day in that workshop...... but I still spent money I didn't have doing things that further contradicted my proclamation that being healthy was important to me.  I said that honesty was important to me - but any time I was confronted about parts of my life I didn't feel confident about - I would tell a little white lie or just omit parts of the truth.  The cycle continued over and over until I felt more and more hopeless. 

Then, of course my anxiety would rear its' ugly head again and remind me that I had managed to screw up the better part of 34 years...... it's too late to fix it now.  You might as well lie in the bed you made for your self and get over the idea of a happy ending. 

Thankfully, the more I starved my anxiety voice and fed my voice of reason - the more I saw that I still had time to get it right (or at least less wrong) from here on out.  But if I was going to have any chance of turning my decision making skills around..... it was going require a plan.  

My first plan looked a lot like New Years resolutions: 

1.  Be honest- with yourself and every one else all the time.  

2.  Eat only healthy food.

3.  Exercise every day. 

Yeah.... those are the least embarrassing of the ridiculous list and the only ones I'm willing to put here in cyber world.  What I'm getting at is...... I set myself up for failure.  I expected all of my decisions to change immediately and to be able to maintain it for the rest of my life.  That lasted for about two minutes.  TWO MINUTES! 

Finally.... in the last year or so.... I am learning that 'being' as you wish to 'seem' has more to do with 'being' than 'seeming.'  I still get it wrong - and I get it wrong a lot - but I am releasing the pressure of 'seeming' as if I don't get it wrong.  I realized that no where on my core values list did I find "Practically Perfect in Every Way."  I'll leave that up to Mary Poppins.  

I'd like to tell you that now that I'm finally starting to blaze my own trail that it's sunshine and happiness, but I am still reaping a harvest from the days that I was living with no intention and haphazardly making choices.  There are people that want nothing to do with me to this day over my behavior in the midst of careless behavior.  I am still mending unhealthy relationships cultivated during that lengthy time in my life.  The results of my choices will never leave me.  I can only choose to reap the harvest in a healthier way than I sowed the seeds.  And then deliberately sow different seeds and write a better story today than I wrote yesterday.

Even in that truth - the truth of recovering from previous mistakes - I am happier than I have ever been.  I like myself for the first time.  I am open to new possibilities.  I am more determined to move forward and write a better story.  I am kinder to myself when I get it wrong.  I am kinder to others when they get it wrong.  I really like this journey!!

No matter where you are, no matter what your life story reads so far, you decide what tomorrow's story and the rest of your book will say.  You are the only person that can sow the seeds you will harvest.

You might decide that cruise control choices work just fine for you.  And that's okay- but if you ever meet an anxiety-ridden mess like me, offer them a smile and healthy dose of compassion.

You may have figured this 'values' thing out long before I did and are well on your way to blazing new trails.  I applaud you!!  Keep blazing friend!!  And be sure to help others blaze as often as possible!!

But if you're still looking for a drastic plot twist..... like I was.  If you are desperate for the hope of a better tomorrow than you endured today.  I say go for it!  Go for it with all that you've got!!  Get specific about who you want to be.  Get honest about the ways that your decisions are in contradiction with your values.  And then move closer and closer to making choices in harmony with who you want to be. You'll be excited about the peace and joy you find there.  

I'm using my planner to help me stay focused on my values as I plan my days/ weeks/ months/ years.  I've never really found a planner that helped me hold all of the 'values' pieces together - so I made my own this year.  I'm a dork.  I know.  But I'm excited about it. :)

Here's a glimpse at my new planner.  (Have I mentioned I'm a planner addict?)

I put my revised values list at the beginning.  I always write my list as if I am already a master of my values system.  I assure you I am not :) 

I do NOT love my handwriting so I found some creative expressions of my values that inspire me to purposefully review my list as I plan my  day/ week/ month/ year.

Praying that you create a better tomorrow than you experienced today.  Praying that all of those tomorrows add up to an amazing 2014 for you and those you love.

Psalm 37:4  Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  

Love to you, Joanna