Escaping the belly of brutal......again......

It's no secret that I am a huge fan of the way Ann Voskamp speaks life into my weary soul.  She's the one that wrote that book.  The book about finding gifts in the very mundane, every day, ugly-beautiful and counting them to 1,000 and then starting over and counting again.  

Well, recently I happened upon a version of ugly-beautiful that I have let extinguish the beauty of gift-counting for me.  I started listening to the brutal anxiety instead of speaking to it.  I am built that way.  I really am.  I get all swallowed up by the brutal.  When ugly stops by for a visit I lean right in.....I obsess about it.... every brutal bit.  I obsess about what I should have done to avoid it.  I obsess about what I should do to move beyond it.  I obsess about what others think as they observe from the cheap seats.  I obsess......

While I hang out in the belly of brutal obsessing.... all I can hear is the gurgling of condemnation.....all I can feel is the loneliness of being misunderstood and alone..... all I can think about is the fear of being stuck in that belly of brutal..... or worse yet - being spit back up in to the world and everything be exactly as it was before brutal swallowed me right up.  

I really thought my journey over the last few years had been leading me away from this tendency of  brutal obsession.   There have continued to be times that I was tempted to obsess about the brutal- but until this episode- I hadn't been completely swallowed up in quite some time. 

I have been learning to speak truth to myself instead of listening to brutal.  I have been learning to pray about the brutal instead of talking about it.  I have been learning to thank God for the ugly even before He turns that ugly right around for good.  

So....when I found myself in that belly of brutal anxiety again..... I was caught off guard.  It took me awhile to realize I was there.  I tried to pretend I wasn't there... surely anxiety had NOT won again!!  Well..... it did.  Sort of.  I didn't stay in that wretched place for as long as I have in the past.... but I was there.  

Will I ever be cured of my tendency toward anxiety?  Will I ever lose the inclination to lean in toward anxiety obsession?  I don't think that I will.  

And that's okay.  

I will continue to actively fight against my anxiety by starving my ego.  I will continue to look for ways to add value to everyone I am privileged enough to encounter.  I will continue to love and to forgive and to guard my heart.  I will continue to seek community with hope-spreading, truth-telling warriors that allow God to turn brutal into beautiful.  

I will not trick myself into thinking that I've failed if I linger too long with my brutal anxiety.

I have been lighting this candle to help me escape that brutal anxiety belly.  I have always loved candles but after reading Ann's New Year's blog - it inspired me to look at candles very differently.  As I light this candle.......

I am reminded that I am covered in the light of grace that is more than enough to cover my brutal.  I am reminded that the more I focus on the light and specifically sharing the light...... the more I starve my ego and the darkness that accompanies it.  

This candle also reminds me that 'What the heart knows by heart.... the heart knows.'  I have been choosing a verse in the Bible every month as a 'focal point' to say out loud when my brain wants obsess about brutal.  It is amazing what happens when you focus on beautiful truth and say it over and over even when you feel consumed by the darkness of your own ego.  

It is the middle month  and the middle of the week - it does not make any sense to start this habit today - but I hope you will do it anyway!!  Try this one for starters: Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord, lean on Him, rely on Him, and DO NOT rely on what you think you understand in all your human-ness.  Submit, surrender all that you do... yes, even that thing, to the Lord and He WILL make your path straight.  

I'll let you look up the literal Bible version of this verse.  But as I get to be more and more connected to this verse..... this is how I am meditating on it.  

Nothing has changed really...... the brutal is just as brutal as ever...... but my changed perspective has allowed God to turn that brutal into brutiful.  (Learn more about brutiful here - you'll love her!)  Meditating on God's word, my truth, focusing on feeding the light of grace within me and sharing it as much as possible is helping me escape the belly of brutal and receive the gifts as God transforms it in to brutiful.  

I know some of you may have never experienced the burden of brutal or at least not the obsessive anxiety over it.  I'm incredibly grateful that we don't all have to make this pilgrimage.  I really am. If I'm being honest though - and I am- I am horribly jealous of people that just naturally lean toward peace and love and all things positive.  If that happens to be you, I hope you'll consider extending several ounces of understanding when you encounter any of us that happen to get swallowed up in that belly of brutal.  

If you happen to be a resident of anxiety land - please hear this.  You are not alone.  You are not flawed.  You are not a mess - well, not any bigger of a mess than anyone else any way.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Creator of this miraculous universe.  You are loved.  And I am praying for you (and for me) as we learn to embrace our selves in the midst of this reality and share our stories in hopes of encouraging another friend in the belly of brutal.  

Light your candles friends. We'll get through this together.  

Love to all of you- Joanna