My New Year's Resolution

Nope.  I'm not making any New Year's resolutions.  I knew how my resolution story would end:

This just in!  Joanna jumps ship on day three of New Year's resolutions!

So - I'm not setting myself up for failure this time.  Instead, I revisited my core values list.  I re-wrote them, kept some, eliminated some, and added some.  I gave myself several days to think through traits that describe the person I want to be.  I kept the list close as new values came to mind.  

If you've never done this- I highly recommend it.  It is a process I experienced  for the first time several years ago at a Franklin Covey work shop.  The basic concept, goes back to a Socrates quote, "Be as you wish to seem."   I wanted to be a 'good' person and I loosely defined that by doing nice things for other people, being responsible, not stealing, not killing any one.... you know the basics.  In that loose definition... I did okay.  But it never occurred to me to get specific about what 'good person' meant.   It never occurred to me to write down my 'core values.' 

To 'Be' the person to I desired to be, I needed to know what I stood for.  What are the most important things to me in the world?  No - really......  if I died today and had the opportunity to watch my funeral..... what would I 'want' people to say about me?  Am I living in a way that would deserve the things I would want them to say? 

I met myself in a whole new light that day.  I found contradiction between my heart and my behavior, between my mind and my decisions.  How does this happen?  More importantly how am I just now becoming aware of it? In true anxiety-ridden form, I beat myself up about how many years I spent sold out to convenience and the path of least resistance instead of choosing a life based on what I considered important.  

The obvious answer is to get busy changing some things right??  Truth be told: I didn't immediately pull myself up by my bootstraps and blaze a new trail for my next life chapter.  I won't make excuses - I don't even know what my excuses would be.... but I kept making choices that were in complete contradiction to the things that I proclaimed to be important.  I wrote down that financial freedom was important that day in that workshop...... but I still spent money I didn't have doing things that further contradicted my proclamation that being healthy was important to me.  I said that honesty was important to me - but any time I was confronted about parts of my life I didn't feel confident about - I would tell a little white lie or just omit parts of the truth.  The cycle continued over and over until I felt more and more hopeless. 

Then, of course my anxiety would rear its' ugly head again and remind me that I had managed to screw up the better part of 34 years...... it's too late to fix it now.  You might as well lie in the bed you made for your self and get over the idea of a happy ending. 

Thankfully, the more I starved my anxiety voice and fed my voice of reason - the more I saw that I still had time to get it right (or at least less wrong) from here on out.  But if I was going to have any chance of turning my decision making skills around..... it was going require a plan.  

My first plan looked a lot like New Years resolutions: 

1.  Be honest- with yourself and every one else all the time.  

2.  Eat only healthy food.

3.  Exercise every day. 

Yeah.... those are the least embarrassing of the ridiculous list and the only ones I'm willing to put here in cyber world.  What I'm getting at is...... I set myself up for failure.  I expected all of my decisions to change immediately and to be able to maintain it for the rest of my life.  That lasted for about two minutes.  TWO MINUTES! 

Finally.... in the last year or so.... I am learning that 'being' as you wish to 'seem' has more to do with 'being' than 'seeming.'  I still get it wrong - and I get it wrong a lot - but I am releasing the pressure of 'seeming' as if I don't get it wrong.  I realized that no where on my core values list did I find "Practically Perfect in Every Way."  I'll leave that up to Mary Poppins.  

I'd like to tell you that now that I'm finally starting to blaze my own trail that it's sunshine and happiness, but I am still reaping a harvest from the days that I was living with no intention and haphazardly making choices.  There are people that want nothing to do with me to this day over my behavior in the midst of careless behavior.  I am still mending unhealthy relationships cultivated during that lengthy time in my life.  The results of my choices will never leave me.  I can only choose to reap the harvest in a healthier way than I sowed the seeds.  And then deliberately sow different seeds and write a better story today than I wrote yesterday.

Even in that truth - the truth of recovering from previous mistakes - I am happier than I have ever been.  I like myself for the first time.  I am open to new possibilities.  I am more determined to move forward and write a better story.  I am kinder to myself when I get it wrong.  I am kinder to others when they get it wrong.  I really like this journey!!

No matter where you are, no matter what your life story reads so far, you decide what tomorrow's story and the rest of your book will say.  You are the only person that can sow the seeds you will harvest.

You might decide that cruise control choices work just fine for you.  And that's okay- but if you ever meet an anxiety-ridden mess like me, offer them a smile and healthy dose of compassion.

You may have figured this 'values' thing out long before I did and are well on your way to blazing new trails.  I applaud you!!  Keep blazing friend!!  And be sure to help others blaze as often as possible!!

But if you're still looking for a drastic plot twist..... like I was.  If you are desperate for the hope of a better tomorrow than you endured today.  I say go for it!  Go for it with all that you've got!!  Get specific about who you want to be.  Get honest about the ways that your decisions are in contradiction with your values.  And then move closer and closer to making choices in harmony with who you want to be. You'll be excited about the peace and joy you find there.  

I'm using my planner to help me stay focused on my values as I plan my days/ weeks/ months/ years.  I've never really found a planner that helped me hold all of the 'values' pieces together - so I made my own this year.  I'm a dork.  I know.  But I'm excited about it. :)

Here's a glimpse at my new planner.  (Have I mentioned I'm a planner addict?)

I put my revised values list at the beginning.  I always write my list as if I am already a master of my values system.  I assure you I am not :) 

I do NOT love my handwriting so I found some creative expressions of my values that inspire me to purposefully review my list as I plan my  day/ week/ month/ year.

Praying that you create a better tomorrow than you experienced today.  Praying that all of those tomorrows add up to an amazing 2014 for you and those you love.

Psalm 37:4  Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  

Love to you, Joanna