Stop The Insanity!!!

You might want to sit down for this one.  No - really.......... this is going to be shocking for you - I just know it.

I'm unraveling. 
Again.

Sorry - no time for easing you in to this one ........... if you need me to hold your hand and lead you gently in to the mess that I am ........ move along.  Way too much unraveling happening here to stroke your hair and rub your back in to this truth-telling reflection.

Listen - this is No.  Joke.  It happens a couple times every year and every single time I find myself here.......  I mean - Every. Single. Time. ............... I say......... No sirs and no Ma'ms - not again.  I am going to get my life together and I am NOT going to let that happen ever again.

And then it does.............. it happens again.

Here's how this goes down........... Every.  Single. Time.  (clearly a slow learner)  It's never even a total surprise.  There are always subtle signs .......... 

1.  I start snapping at all of the people I love the absolute most  

2.  Immediately feel all of the guilt and shame over the snapping at those people I love the most

3.  Need a distraction - there is no time to deal with the actual feelings here for PEET's SAKE! 

4.  So I download games to my phone to begin the distraction/numbing process.
5.  Rationalize the hell out of why that is SUCH a good decision.
6.  play that game until you run out of lives- remember you have 500,000 things to do and places to be.
7. Just 'peek' at everyone's highlight reel on social media and note of every single reason I will never make the Most Interesting Human Ever nomination list.
8.  Decide it's time to do better.

9.  Make lists about all of the new habits I'm going to start - these habits are the exact answer to becoming better at everything.  And then.........surely I will make the MIHE consideration pool.

10.  Start with the list of all of things I'm going to accomplish in one day  

11.  Get overwhelmed by the list.
12.  Realize your lives are restored on that stupid game.
13. Play that game on my phone. Listen......don't clutch those pearls........ I'll start on that list as soon as I'm out of lives again-  list accomplishment isn't a race Frank!

14.  Crap- now my entire morning is gone and it's time to go to the job that pays the bills -  the list and new habits will wait another day......  relax..........Rome wasn't built in a day y'all.  

15. Work my big girl job, get kids to practice, grab groceries, grab kids from practice, make dinner and  get zero things done on my 'get it all done in a day' list. 

16.  Turn on Criminal Minds and binge watch until I can't keep my eyes open.

17. Just go to bed already!

18.  Can't sleep - since I am now an official #scardycat because...... Criminal Minds 

19.  Alarm goes off EARLY and that makes me tired and cranky...... so..........

20.  Start snapping at all of the people I love the most 

Sexy cycle -right?  Makes you want to dive right in and become part of my tribe - doesn't it?

Well - good news - I have room for you - because I'm a wreck.  And most people run for the woods right about this time - and I do NOT even blame them.

It's not rocket science - I know how it starts................I absolutely spread myself too thin.......... and I burn all of the candles at both ends...............I say yes to every single request of my time, effort and energy........ even though I already have three kids in four sports, I'm a full-time-working-single-momma with extenuating stressful situations at work...... and have I mentioned that I sold my house and have to be out in two weeks?  Cute huh?

No.  Big.  Deal.

So- I get up before 5am and full throttle it  until all of my mini humans get home from school and practice and I make them dinner.  And by dinner - I mean something in a bag that I stick in the oven that resembles food I could have made from scratch if I could just sleep a little less (cause I'm not giving up Criminal Minds) and glean maximum productivity from every waking hour so that I could grocery shop and prep meals on the weekends.  Just go ahead and insert more guilt and shame right here about all of the GMOs and preservatives.  

This is approximately the point that  unraveling turns straight in to coming undone.......... and that is NOT pretty.  So I continue to inhale all of the information thrown at me all day- all of the things every single person needs from me- and all of my thoughts that I leave unquestioned....... inevitably.......those unquestioned thoughts end up holding me hostage.

Wait.......the hits just keep on coming.............at this point - all of that wears me down before half the day is over - but I put on my best face - for the people at work and whomever I may encounter along the way- which is exhausting in and of itself....................and then I head toward home.    That home where all of the people I love the most will be.

But ................the people at home are the people that love me the absolute most as well- they don't require that 'face.'  And they love all of the complicated pieces of me.  And........... lucky for them..............they are the ones that get my 'left overs' in times like these.

You can heap a healthy dose of guilt and shame right here too.

Y'all - it's NOT cute.  I literally have to  'clock out' from life at 8:30.  No lie.  Before you panic and call CPS - I already tried to turn myself in- and they are tired too honey.

Listen .......if you feel yourself clutching your pearls or wanting to calling your BFF to tell them what a horrible Human I am............... if it makes you feel better - you do you Boo Boo. 

Given my propensity to lists and accomplishment - clearly the smartest choice is to sit here and put all of the words on the internet instead of putting all of the things in boxes.  Because duh.  I'm in a committed relationship with procrastination.

And - just so you know  - procrastination is a lost art these days friends - and I'm bringing it back.  Some people get to bring sexy back.  Nope. Not me............ I'm bringing procrastination back.  And all the frustration and overwhelms that go with it. Everybody's got to be good at something - right? 

Just when you think we should be at a turning point in this brutal confession..... it get's worse. In a desperate for search for inspiration. motivation..........something....  I insist on reading all of these books about 'slaying the day' and listening to all these pod casts about 'creating your best life ever.'

Ya know what all of the advice articles/ pod casts have in common?  None of them recommend procrastination as a path to ultimate success of all successes. But hey -  what makes them experts about anything?  Just asking.

And still..... there is a constant chatter box in my head to reminding me the reason it's stormy inside is I just haven't committed enough time to the 'lists' and the 'habits' that ensure I 'Slay the Day' and 'Create the Best Life Ever.'

Guilt and shame............... you know what to do.  

Nope.  Not today friends.

I'm tired.  I am SO tired!  I'm tired of comparing myself to people and all of the things they cross off their list every day and how they 'Slay their Day.'

I'm tired of thinking I'm not enough.  Not trying hard enough.  Not organized enough.  Not kind enough.  Not volunteering enough.  Not efficient enough.  Not 'Holly Homemaker' enough.  Not...........enough. 

I confess- I have several areas of opportunity for improvement.  Don't we all?

 But............ is it possible we are establishing expecting of ourselves that aren't even freaking realistic?

I mean........ June Cleaver was NOT working full time!  I know- mind blown. And............. for the record - her kids were paid to pretend they were precious and tender and not a bit needy or confused or afraid or....... to have any emotions that didn't directly tie in to the story line that suited them best.  

And - folks!!!!  This is NOT Little House on the Prairie!!!    Momma isn't gonna make dinner over the open fire pit every dang day after she is away at work for 10 hours.  MAKE A SANDWICH little people!!!!!!  You do not need a meat and three sides every single night -

Why do they think a sandwich dinner is the end of the world as they know it? - As if that qualifies your life hard you precious little angels.  This is where I will start right in on the how fortunate and privileged you are to be born in this country with a fridge full of food, heat, clean water at your disposal to drink and bath in, electricity on and light skin.

Woah....... tangent sorry...............

Back on track- - - - - every time this overwhelmed-ness and chaos lead to me unraveling - my natural instinct is to lean hard toward toward dark and heavy.............. to continue numbing.......... to continue saying 'tomorrow i will get it together'..........

Instead ............. this time.......... this is where I finally employed all I have learned to write a better ending.   I questioning those thoughts and the stories I was assigning to them.  Is it true that I'm not doing enough?  That I'm not trying enough? That I am not enough?   Can I absolutely know it's true? 

NO!!!  Actually - you know what is true?  I AM enough.  I DO more than enough.  I pay all of my bills and own my home as a single mom of three kids.  I may not make it to every single thing on the calendar - but I make it to crap ton of their events- and still maintain a decently clean home. I am not just enough - I'm a total bad ass.

Merely questioning those thoughts that were holding me hostage turned everything around so quickly.   This simple concept of questioning my thoughts has lead me toward a quicker turn around from unraveling than ever before.   It changed the way I looked at it completely. 

Glennon (if you don't know her - you should stop reading this immediately and read every single thing she has ever written and listen to every word she has ever said- you can find her and all of her words at Momastery.com)   well - Glennon calls this transformation 'Perspectacles.'

When your perspective changes......... you can see the gifts, the joy, hidden in that suffering.

Look close at the thing that seems to lead you toward suffering.......... when you look hard enough and long enough ..........you can always find a reason to be thankful in all of those suffering things .................. they're hiding- but they are there.  In the midst of all the fear and overwhelm-ed-ness - I was able to see and celebrate all that I had actually accomplished up to this point.

It is then.............. when you can question your thoughts - and adjust your perspect-acles that unraveling never wins again.  Well - at least we won't lose the unraveling battle as often and we certainly won't lose the battle for the long haul.

I still sometimes lose those unraveling battles short term.   And.............. I'm thankful I am not immune to those seasons.  Unraveling requires me to dig deep and uncover the chaos that still lives under the surface.  It requires that I take apart pieces of myself that no longer serve me well.  It requires that I re-member, put back together,  the pieces of me that are still vital and thriving.

So-  I will sift through all of that chaos and learn from all the pain it created........ and I will soften the way I speak the people I love most.  And I will be kind to myself when i don't met the exact mark I aimed for.  And I will look for the moments in the busy that are meant to be cherished and remembered.

Just one right thing at a time.  That's all we can do friends.  

And so are the Days of My Life.

If you get that reference - I adore you already.  If you don't - no worries just a weak pop culture reference.  Which.............. is only one of the other areas I should stop the insanity - but woah - one thing at a time here friends - let's not go bananas fixing all of the things at once.


In full disclosure - this was an entry I wrote almost exactly one year ago in my personal account that I don't publish.  I came across it (not coincidentally) as I was stopping the unraveling this year.  Good news....... I caught it sooner and had to sit with it for less time than last year.  Progress friends......... progress :)

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth............

Listen............. I've said it before............... I'll say it again......... pop culture is what I know...........it feels safe.  And.................. since I have zero original ideas........... only recycled (through my own brain and circumstances) versions of already existing pop culture  ideas........all of these pop culture idea references are going to come back and bite me one of these days......... because #copywrittensodontcopyme . Until then, I will use all of the pop culture references.  Could someone be working on my legal defense for the court of law in the mean time?  Please? 

Except..................... I  only have three readers......... so can all four of us just agree to keep our loud mouths shut about this ONE THING?!  Please? Pretty please?  I don't have money for royalties which means it would be jail.......... and listen............ I do not have the time for that kind of 'come to Jesus meeting' in my life right now.  Just.  Not.  Today.  

Side bar.......... zero relevance to anything I ever talk about............ but I just hit the space bar twice after the end of a sentence (like I have for 30 years) and feel all the way insecure about it - because apparently the writing rules have changed?  How are the old people supposed to know we shouldn't have used two spaces after a period any more?  It's not like we subscribe to AP writing for fun.  DUMB!  I will double space after periods because I am too old and have too many other things to change before I worry about spaces after sentences - i am NOT a maniac. You'll just have to deal. Or don't. But do NOT comment about the spaces after the periods - so help me pop culture...... I will find you and make you read every single piece of writing ever written with double spaces after a sentence.  You have been warned!  I know.  I'm scary. 

Back to your regular scheduled programming.... 

So....................  this was the catalyst for today's entry.  

There was a time I would have shut you completely out of my life if you said these words to me.   

I wish I was exaggerating.  

I worked SO hard............... I told myself SO many stories...............and I believed every single one of those stories just to ensure my happiness, or lack thereof, was NOT my fault.    I had so many stories....... stories I became addicted to....... stories that eliminated the possibility of my happiness.  

Stories like................

 No ONE can choose happy through this!  How in the actual hell can I be happy when he did this to me and she said that about me?!?!?!   I can not, I will not be happy through it all!!!!! And. You. Can’t. Make. Me!!!!   

Please know - I am not proud of those days.  It’s embarrassing to admit I became addicted to my story of misery.  It’s humiliating to acknowledge so much of my pain was self induced.   I gave away all of my peace and all of my joy and all of my hope every single time the people in my life didn't behave in exactly the way I just knew that they should behave.  I was FULL of millions of FANTASTIC ideas on how every single person in my world  should behave to keep me happy.  And........... if they didn't........... I would spend hours and hours and days and days obsessing............ I mean OBSESSING............. about how every one in the freaking wide world was conspiring to sabotage me and end all chances at happiness that might have ever existed.  

Y'all............. what the what?!?!  

When I think about that season - my natural self instantly leans toward harsh judgement of that girl I used to be.  Luckily.............. much of the 'unbecoming' has reminded me that .......... the girl I used to be needs compassion - not harsh judgment and comparison to what I know now. 

So........ today......... I tell the truth about that season, not because I have conquered it, nor because I'm proud of it #obvi  but I share because I will never again allow that season (that was more than a decade long- ugh - double up ugh-ugh) to be the boss of me.  I still have flash backs to that time of life and I want to die of shame and embarrassment - but I know if I curl up and die or even worst - hide in my bed for days - that time and that season is still bossing me around.  And so I talk to those flash backs and say 'I'm so thankful for how far you've come- and that isn't our actual reality any more..... but you're not done - keep going girl.  Get up - and keep going.' 

And then this............................................

I had the true-est, most honest conversation with one of my girls recently- and she said hard things to me ~ like ‘Mom - why did you do that?  That was confusing and scary.   Mom -  I think you thought life was a competition at that point.......’ 

Ummmmm.............. holy hell - scary - but can we say HALLELUJAH for girls learning to tell the truth younger than I did.  

And her truth led me face-to-face with conundrum I created- it didn't only hurt me............. It.  Hurt.  My.  Kids.   As I sat in that conversation , I could only say, ‘I’m sorry...... and thank you for trusting me with your feelings and perspective and your truth of how my choices affected you.  Thank you for knowing I am strong enough to handle that now, though I acknowledge I haven’t always been.’  I am SO inspired by her courage to let me experience how my choices impacted her life. 

Her brutal truth she offered led me toward a brut-ifal confession of, ‘You are right - I was looking for happiness, wholeness, joy, peace, light and life in all of the wrong places.  I was in a bad place.’   I said those exact words to my child.  

I choked on those words at least 70 times.................. There is no pill more jagged than apologizing to your child and acknowledging you were in a self induced place of selfishness, heavy and dark.  

Thankfully, I got to finish that conversation with my new truth....... the truth that 'no one nor any circumstance holds the key to my happiness any longer'.  My  happiness, joy, light and life comes from loving myself and knowing I am  made in the image of Divine Love and Divine Goodness.  And that, in it's self is a gift.' 

The bigger gift is that .......... being made in the image of love  means that absolute  happiness comes from loving and serving ALL OTHERS.  Exactly as they are, and exactly where they are.  And truly loving others means... showing up relentlessly for them.'

I said those words to my child.  And.......... she lives with me .............. so she knows that I still struggle with this............ it is WAY easier to expect every single other Human to show up for you than it is to deliberately and intentionally show up for all of the Humans that need me and especially in the exact ways they need me.  

The good news.............. however................. in this new season................. this better season........ I will not stop trying and I will not stop clapping along ........... cause happiness (self -induced happiness) is the truth.