Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth............

Listen............. I've said it before............... I'll say it again......... pop culture is what I know...........it feels safe.  And.................. since I have zero original ideas........... only recycled (through my own brain and circumstances) versions of already existing pop culture  ideas........all of these pop culture idea references are going to come back and bite me one of these days......... because #copywrittensodontcopyme . Until then, I will use all of the pop culture references.  Could someone be working on my legal defense for the court of law in the mean time?  Please? 

Except..................... I  only have three readers......... so can all four of us just agree to keep our loud mouths shut about this ONE THING?!  Please? Pretty please?  I don't have money for royalties which means it would be jail.......... and listen............ I do not have the time for that kind of 'come to Jesus meeting' in my life right now.  Just.  Not.  Today.  

Side bar.......... zero relevance to anything I ever talk about............ but I just hit the space bar twice after the end of a sentence (like I have for 30 years) and feel all the way insecure about it - because apparently the writing rules have changed?  How are the old people supposed to know we shouldn't have used two spaces after a period any more?  It's not like we subscribe to AP writing for fun.  DUMB!  I will double space after periods because I am too old and have too many other things to change before I worry about spaces after sentences - i am NOT a maniac. You'll just have to deal. Or don't. But do NOT comment about the spaces after the periods - so help me pop culture...... I will find you and make you read every single piece of writing ever written with double spaces after a sentence.  You have been warned!  I know.  I'm scary. 

Back to your regular scheduled programming.... 

So....................  this was the catalyst for today's entry.  

There was a time I would have shut you completely out of my life if you said these words to me.   

I wish I was exaggerating.  

I worked SO hard............... I told myself SO many stories...............and I believed every single one of those stories just to ensure my happiness, or lack thereof, was NOT my fault.    I had so many stories....... stories I became addicted to....... stories that eliminated the possibility of my happiness.  

Stories like................

 No ONE can choose happy through this!  How in the actual hell can I be happy when he did this to me and she said that about me?!?!?!   I can not, I will not be happy through it all!!!!! And. You. Can’t. Make. Me!!!!   

Please know - I am not proud of those days.  It’s embarrassing to admit I became addicted to my story of misery.  It’s humiliating to acknowledge so much of my pain was self induced.   I gave away all of my peace and all of my joy and all of my hope every single time the people in my life didn't behave in exactly the way I just knew that they should behave.  I was FULL of millions of FANTASTIC ideas on how every single person in my world  should behave to keep me happy.  And........... if they didn't........... I would spend hours and hours and days and days obsessing............ I mean OBSESSING............. about how every one in the freaking wide world was conspiring to sabotage me and end all chances at happiness that might have ever existed.  

Y'all............. what the what?!?!  

When I think about that season - my natural self instantly leans toward harsh judgement of that girl I used to be.  Luckily.............. much of the 'unbecoming' has reminded me that .......... the girl I used to be needs compassion - not harsh judgment and comparison to what I know now. 

So........ today......... I tell the truth about that season, not because I have conquered it, nor because I'm proud of it #obvi  but I share because I will never again allow that season (that was more than a decade long- ugh - double up ugh-ugh) to be the boss of me.  I still have flash backs to that time of life and I want to die of shame and embarrassment - but I know if I curl up and die or even worst - hide in my bed for days - that time and that season is still bossing me around.  And so I talk to those flash backs and say 'I'm so thankful for how far you've come- and that isn't our actual reality any more..... but you're not done - keep going girl.  Get up - and keep going.' 

And then this............................................

I had the true-est, most honest conversation with one of my girls recently- and she said hard things to me ~ like ‘Mom - why did you do that?  That was confusing and scary.   Mom -  I think you thought life was a competition at that point.......’ 

Ummmmm.............. holy hell - scary - but can we say HALLELUJAH for girls learning to tell the truth younger than I did.  

And her truth led me face-to-face with conundrum I created- it didn't only hurt me............. It.  Hurt.  My.  Kids.   As I sat in that conversation , I could only say, ‘I’m sorry...... and thank you for trusting me with your feelings and perspective and your truth of how my choices affected you.  Thank you for knowing I am strong enough to handle that now, though I acknowledge I haven’t always been.’  I am SO inspired by her courage to let me experience how my choices impacted her life. 

Her brutal truth she offered led me toward a brut-ifal confession of, ‘You are right - I was looking for happiness, wholeness, joy, peace, light and life in all of the wrong places.  I was in a bad place.’   I said those exact words to my child.  

I choked on those words at least 70 times.................. There is no pill more jagged than apologizing to your child and acknowledging you were in a self induced place of selfishness, heavy and dark.  

Thankfully, I got to finish that conversation with my new truth....... the truth that 'no one nor any circumstance holds the key to my happiness any longer'.  My  happiness, joy, light and life comes from loving myself and knowing I am  made in the image of Divine Love and Divine Goodness.  And that, in it's self is a gift.' 

The bigger gift is that .......... being made in the image of love  means that absolute  happiness comes from loving and serving ALL OTHERS.  Exactly as they are, and exactly where they are.  And truly loving others means... showing up relentlessly for them.'

I said those words to my child.  And.......... she lives with me .............. so she knows that I still struggle with this............ it is WAY easier to expect every single other Human to show up for you than it is to deliberately and intentionally show up for all of the Humans that need me and especially in the exact ways they need me.  

The good news.............. however................. in this new season................. this better season........ I will not stop trying and I will not stop clapping along ........... cause happiness (self -induced happiness) is the truth.