I have been pretending that I am not - but oh am I unraveling.
The stress builds - and the busy gets busier - and the expectations get more unattainable - and the Humans get more unkind and the fear starts loitering around every corner.
So - in classic Joanna fashion not only was I unraveling........ but I was trying to stop the unraveling process by reminding myself of all the reasons I should NOT be unraveling and that I should be grateful instead. New house. Good job. Good people. Reliable transportation. Healthy. Food to eat. I was listing all of the things with the best of them.
But let's be clear.......... the listing of the things........... the people...........the circumstances................ that is not the same as being authentically grateful and thankful - right? Gratitude is method of meditation. I was trying to easy button myself through the steps and still reap all the benefits.
What actually happened in the obligatory listing of reasons I should happy and grateful is that my good ol' friends guilt and shame start loitering a little too close comfort around that heart that was trying to pretend it wasn't unraveling. We've got a party now............ just go ahead and add guilt and shame to the fear, overwhelmed-ness and stress............ and it's a freaking rave of chaos up in here.
Oh hell - to - the - no. Not today. Not today my friend.
Here's the good news........... this time......... after falling in to that same dark hole on that same dark street ........... this time I know how I got here. This time I know that only I can accept responsibility for falling in that hole. This time I know that only I can get me out. This time I remember the way out right away. This time I get out much quicker. And............ this time.......... the light at the end of that dark street is much brighter.
I keep wishing the road of 'easy, calm, positivity' was just my nature. That I leaned in toward toward 'chill' like so many of the people in envy. But it isn't. It isn't my natural nature at all.
It's work for me - hard work. It's 'getting up early to read and journal' work. It's meditation work. It's prayer work. It's learning work. It's 'stubbornly seeking the reasons (real reasons) to be grateful in the mundane everyday life' work. It's continually 'unbecoming' work. It's constantly 're-membering myself back together to become the me I know I'm designed to be' work. It's 'sifting through the chaos and knowing only truth will remain work'.
And today I start again. There is no work more worthwhile. There is no work more necessary. I am ready to weave myself back together.............. for good .............. this time ;)
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