Every New Beginning .....

I spent my morning at church.  

I gathered with the same community I've gathered with for 8 years- give or take a few people. 

Mostly it seemed like any other Sunday.  We drank coffee.  We hugged and laughed a lot.  Kids played and ran around a giggled.  We sang songs about redemption and restoration and salvation and Holy Hallelujahs. 

And we remembered where we came from.  This Renovate community that believes God's promise to never reject His people- but to restore them and have mercy on them. Jeremiah 33

And then we talked about how  that renovation sometimes requires ripping down the walls to the bare frame.  Because that insulation is too thin and those windows are drafty and too much brokenness can seep in to our hearts.... our minds. ... our lives.

And we celebrated what that renovation has looked like in our own lives as we journeyed toward that cross of mercy and sacrifice together.  And we celebrated what renovation has looked like for our community: in showing up to 'Love People' in unsuspecting places.

And we served each other during our last supper.  We humbly offered broken bread and wine as a symbol of what provides us love everlasting and the ability to share that everlasting love to ALL who will receive it.

And I cried.  When I served that teenage daughter communion and said, "Kendal, this is the body of Christ broken for you and His blood shed for you."  I cried.  What a privilege to share such a life - giving sacrament with my child.  I cried.

And then I took those teary eyes and humble heart right back up to offer one last song with this worship leader that has changed the way I bring my offering of song.  Its not about the music- its about the worship. And we worshipped fierce, "He makes everything glorious....." And He does.

That was our last 'church' morning together.  Renovate, the community that has nurtured a journey of deeper love and humility, and acceptance and mercy for eight years, will no longer be the church community I've always known it to be.

We will still be family, of this I am sure.   But this ending leads toward a new beginning. 

I'm excited to see what the next book in my church community looks like.  I really am.  And I know I can't begin writing that book until I stop re - reading the last book but before I do-

I want to honor Renovate and everyone that ever joined that community.  Some came for a season, some came for a day, but everyone helped write that Renovate book.  Some chapters were filled with celebration.   Some chapters were filled with hope.  Some chapters were filled with exhaustion. Some chapters were filled with a fresh out pouring of energy and growth. Some chapters were filled with hurt. 

And all of those chapters- the brutal and the beautiful- they all made a wonderful story of a community that just wanted to Love God & Love People.  And we did. And we will.

This is one of my favorite Renovate moments- art credit Kendal Hoppa. 

Thank you. Really. Thank you to every one of you that penned a verse or a chapter of this Renovate book.  And thank you, personally, for accepting me right where I was- all full of myself.  And thank you even more for loving me enough to not leave me there. 

So much Love- Joanna 

You're Doing it Wrong!!'

If you have not seen Mr. Mom..... you really should.  It is hilarious - and ridiculous- but mostly hilarious.  Michael Keaton  plays a guy that is laid off and his wife went back to work, and he is learning just how hard it is to stay home and take care of the house and kids and ....... well, you know.  

In one scene; he is trying to drop his kids off at school....  and it's raining.... like crazy raining...... and he drives in through the exit.... and it causes the entire well-oiled system of drop–offs to seize up completely….and it's painfully hilarious for anyone that has been in that situation.  

Horns are beeping. Parents are raising their hands in protest. And, to add insult to injury, one parent yells, "You're doing it wrong!!"  You can't help but laugh- and that's the point.  

Life is typically a bit less hilarious when it reminds us that we're doing it wrong though eh? 

The oldest daughter; the athletic, competitive, people-pleasing, incredibly talented, extremely helpful, boy-loving daughter- hurt her back last year.  The injury was a result of that volleyball sport she tried.  She doesn't know how to do anything half way- so when she strained a muscle, I wasn't incredibly surprised. 

Well, a whole sport season later, she made that strained muscle really mad long-jumping her athletic, competitive heart out.  That back injury was quiet for so long- we thought we were out of the woods. 

But that's thing about old injuries.....  they reveal their lack of healing at the most unsuspected time.  And they usually come back harder and meaner the second time to remind you, 'You're doing it wrong!'  

As I find myself in the middle of an all too familiar injury; heart break - I hear that reminder in my head and heart over and over.  "You're doing it wrong again! You did that all wrong- again!'  And it's loud and convincing, "YOU ARE ALL WRONG!!"  

If I let myself listen too long..... I start to lose my footing.  I start to believe I AM doing it all wrong- everything- wrong.  And when it feels all wrong - I feel myself stopping all things.  Paralysis sets in.  And everything is just too hard and too heavy to try again - 'cause I just can't handle hearing, 'You're doing it wrong!' again. 

The old me would lose herself in all-things-meaningless to avoid making a meal for my children when the "You're doing it wrong!" chorus began.  I am not kidding - I would binge watch Law and Order or scroll through my FaceBook feed - growing more and more jealous and paralyzed over your super 'doing it right' highlight reel while my backstage footage was full of "You're doing it wrong!"

 If you have ever seen my car, my house or my office during one of these stages of paralysis - you know exactly what I mean.  Laundry?  Cant do it. 

Wash dishes?   For sure not. 

 Make a meal - or a bowl of cereal for that matter?  Too hard. 

Wash the bath tub? Fugedaboudit!  

The new me though- she is learning to find a new response - slowly, but surely- a brand new response to those voices that say, ‘You’re doing it wrong.’  This might put me in a whole new category of crazy - but I'm comfortable with that.  Because I have to shut those voices up!  So I am talking back to them - I am putting them in their place.  I have even written my own new chorus - it's called "Shut the front door!  We don't want you round here no more!" 

Don't get me wrong - I am not denying that I have, in fact, gotten many things wrong.  Oh I have. Believe me.  And I am completely convinced I will make mistakes over and over.  But that is SO different than, ‘You’re doing it wrong.’

My Jody, best counselor in the world, helps me sift through all of the 'stuff' I brought to the table to get me to this place of heart break and overwhelm-ed-ness and grief.  She also is helping me remember that I am not a hostage to my internal critic.  I must intentionally change my internal dialog about myself.  And I am.

I'm actually following the lead of that oldest child on this.  Here's the thing - that back of hers was so hurt - we went to the emergency room - and that oldest girl of mine does NOT like Dr.s let alone emergency rooms.  Her back was in so much pain she was more afraid of what that pain meant than she was the hospital.  That is how much pain she was in.  

But you know what happened just a couple weeks ago - when it was time for soccer in the sand tournament? She showed up!  And she showed up in her true competitive, hold-nothing back form. She wasn't battling with an internal dialog over whether she was going to 'do it wrong again' and hurt her back.  She had learned through Physical Therapy some changes to make while she played sports and she trusted those changes would lead her in the right direction.  And they did. 

So- I will keep showing up.  I will keep counting gifts.  I will keep making our a house a safe home for my loves.  I will trust in the Lord, lean on Him, rely on Him with all of my heart. I will tackle one task at a time and applaud long and hard for me every time.  

And- as I move forward - one foot in front of the other- and breathing in and breathing out - I am going to trust myself.  I'm going to trust that the things I've learned will lead me toward God's plan of working all of this hot mess together for good.  

And I will not be held hostage to the critics; internal or otherwise.  'Cause that would be 'doing it wrong.'