The last couple weeks have been leading me toward that straw and the camel's back in the most subtle of ways........busy-ness, new school routines, new sports routines, relationship challenges ,work-place changes............ this was all so subtle...........I had no idea over-whelmed-ness had been lurking in the doorway until that straw broke that back.
So- for me- that proverbial straw was Celine Dion. Driving with my Oldest riding shotgun.
Damn it Celine!
Don't get me wrong- I am not a Celine hater. Nor............am I a Celine lover. I can't even remember what song it was. But instantly I could tell the damn was going to break. And that was not very convenient.
For those of you that know me - you know I get teary over just about anything - yeah......... make that everything. My kids' art - tears. Commercials - tears. Movies - tears. My kids think it's annoying and funny all at the same time. ~ ~Don't worry......... I am sure to remind them how funny and annoying they are too. That's what good Moms do - right? Rhetorical - don't answer that. ;)
But truly..............very rarely do I actually 'cry' - like 'Niagra Falls' cry. Like - belly aching , boob shaking (if I had any) cry. Not kidding - I have never felt so connected to anyone in the world than when Cameron Diaz's character made that exact same confession in The Holiday. (Well - there's an unexpected glimpse in to all that is brutal and beautiful about me.)
So Celine - on the radio - I thought for sure it was going to be Niagra Falls for sure. So I quickly sucked all of that Niagra Falls right back in and instead - I snapped.... real.... mean.... at that Oldest Daughter to find a better station - STILL a station with my music - just not that station with Celine.
Phew- Niagra Falls detour!
But we were going to Nana/Papa house for a meal - so I knew I had to let some of what was hurting out...........real quick and sneaky like - 'cause there are too many people there that see right through my thin facade. So I got out my big blue book and started writing as quick as I could......... journaling usually helps me avoid the ugly cry and continue a bit longer with the 'I'm okay- everything's great' response I throw around effortlessly.
Not. This. Time. My writing purge was interrupted by Doxology. That song. That song that sings thanks and praise to God from whom all blessings flow. We sing it as our prayer before every meal at Nana/Papa house. I love it. Like....... favorite part of my week love it.............. but today- doxology threw me over the edge. That was it. Tears.... big. time. tears.
I mean - it. is so. true. My blessings are far greater than my stress-ings. And sometimes truth makes us cry. And it did. And I did. well- sort of-- I still didn't let the full Niagra out - but there were tears on cheeks - not just in the eyes - and that is the closest I've gotten to really crying in a long time.
So I promptly asked that Oldest to make a plate for Youngest - cause I just can't even make a plate on the verge of the Falls. ~~~~~~~ (Seriously? Who let me be an adult and have children?? Ridiculousness!) Nevertheless............. I went right back to writing in my big blue book. And I just spewed words fast and fierce and messy into that safe paper.
Words like.... alone......hurt......never..........how..........fault...........mistakes...............
Because in that safe paper I tell the truth: the truth I'm afraid to say to other people; the truth I'm afraid to say to myself. And so I did...... I told the truth......... and I wrote and wrote and spewed so much truth on to those pages that I could feel Niagra Falls retreating with every word. That was the goal. No crying. Nope. Not today.
What is it about crying that scares me So DAMN MUCH?? Seriously- if I'm being honest - and that is my only agreement with my creativity and myself in this space...........I think if we would all have a good cry once in awhile and sprinkle in an episode of tantrum every other cry............ we'd all be a bit more healthy.
But, instead, we demonize this stress release out of Humans as soon as possible. Don't cry........... everything's gonna be alright. I call bull shit. Yes. Things are alright. But the more we repress every little thing that feels 'not alright' the bigger the volcano of erupting emotion becomes.
Is Celine Dion to blame for my near ugly cry moment? As much as I would like to blame her and that voice of hers and whatever song it was she was singing; I know it wasn't her..........or her voice.............or her song to blame.
I was to blame................ I get SO distracted by fancy people and fancy things and fancy busy schedules ...........and I abandon the manna that I have to eat daily or it gets stale really quick.......and........... I abandon the stillness where I open to the I Am..... hearing His voice and feeling His peace............ And I abandon my gift-counting...........the finding joy in the mundane everyday moments of every day life.
And eventually............. all that abandoning leads me to forget. It leads me to forget who I am and Whose I am.
Believe me - I want to find someone else to blame in the seasons like this.......and I did for more years than I'd like to admit. But that only made it all so much more not alright...........it only increased my pain and it spewed my pain on to all of the people I loved the most. And so now - I hold on to that pain and the hot loneliness until I learn from it all it has to teach me. That part of this 'un-becoming' is SO hard!! Like Rubiks Cube hard. Like helping your teenager with her Algebra hard.
I'm learning more and more that I can do hard things. And, truth be told, abandoning this journey of 'un-becoming' and re-membering myself and becoming closer to the person God designed me to be is hard.............. but not nearly as hard as pretending every little thing is going to be alright............... when, in fact, it isn't.
And so I start again................. I start again with the stillness and the Word of life............ and the gift counting and 're-membering' myself.
Every new morning............ with birds outside my doorstep.........there is a another chance to show up and try again. It's an invitation to embrace the truth that 'every little thing is NEVER going to be alright. ' And that's okay. Most things will be alright.........and the rest will be opportunities to build strength, compassion and empathy.
So I will find the stillness........... again............and i will start the gift counting............again...........and I will never give up on myself............again. This is my message to me.
