73. Cathedral Moments

I continue through this book... this book about naming my daily gifts.....this book about hunting for beauty in unsuspected places.  I actually read the first three chapters three times - yes, three times.  It takes a while to hammer gratitude and grace in all my layers.  Wait.... that's not true - some layers are wide open and thirsty for messages of grace and gratitude.

There are other layers though.  Let's call them anything but 'open to messages of grace and gratitude.'  Now, even those layers are starting to soften and open up.  And then once again.... I feel myself falling in to change: change of heart.... change of attitude... change of posture... change of mind....

one thousand gifts

a dare to live fully, right where you are*

I wish I could count the times I have said - "I need more hours in the day!!!"  Exasperated. Exhausted. I am haunted by this mythical woman of Proverbs 31: stay up later... get up earlier.... do what ever it takes.... just..... GET.  IT.  ALL.  DONE. oh, and do it with love too....

So I plan my months.  I plan my weeks.  I plan my days. I plan to optimize efficiency and maximize productivity.  Then, I hurry - I hurry through my quiet time - I hurry through my exercise time - I hurry through my meals - I hurry through the laundry - I hurry through the dishes - I hurry through my emails - I hurry through my 'I love you' - I hurry..........

I thought I had it down..... not only was I planning and hurrying...... I was anticipating what the next moment and the next day and the next week should look like for this compulsive, hurried, over-planner.  Tickler/ Reference file - check.  Task list - check.  Prioritized task list - check.  Contextualized task list - check.  Delegated task list - check. Follow up task list - check. Still... anxiety and fear lurked close.

And then........ chapter three, during the third reading - because I'm sure I was thinking about something else the first two times I read it-  chapter three dug in.  Chapter three dug in to a layer that hadn't been open.....

Her flowery language was absolutely perfect for this chapter - and my language is not flowery at all - so PLEASE do yourself a favor and get her book - the way she puts it all together is heart wrenching-ly perfect.  

God is famous for taking the 'not enough' and making it 'more than enough.'  Create each moment in to a 'cathedral of glory' and He will fill your moments with life everlasting. 

God is I AM, not I Will Be; being all the way present in each moment is the easiest way to be in the presence of God. Entering the presence of God is the only way to walk in His peace.   His peace offers liberation from compulsive planning and hurrying.  

Then I hear, from the One that calls me His beloved, "I led the Israelites out of slavery.  They had more than enough food to eat every day.  I will lead you out of your slavery too... and you, dear one, do not have to eat manna.  How were those chicken enchiladas?  Did you taste them?
Or were you so ravenous for more time that you ravaged the food without even tasting how good it was?"  

I knew it was a rhetorical question. 

My obsession with answering my own questions is keeping me from hearing and seeing His gifts; His answers.  He is here.  In this moment.  What if I joined Him? Here. In this moment?   What if I responded to His gifts;  instead of trying to fit Him  in to my plans?  His plans are always far greater than mine anyway. 

Jesus died to offer me complete freedom; to offer us complete freedom.  Freedom from compulsive planning. Freedom from slavery of tidy houses. Freedom from fear about moments not yet here.

There it was: I don't need more time.  I need to claim the time I lose obsessing about moments not yet experienced. I need to claim the moments I lose to fear.  I need to claim the moments I lose to anxiety.  

It is in those moments that I lose the very moment I am in.  

My children are growing faster than I can comprehend.  How many moments have I lost- appearing to listen, but really thinking about unpaid bills with no money to pay them?  How many moments have I forced my children to question their personal value because they couldn't keep up with my self-imposed rush hour?

Am I less than 11 miles from my own Promised Land?  How long will I wander rushing from moment to moment, never actually landing in any moment at all?  What will it cost me? What has it cost me already?   

Enough.  Today, I move closer to 'slow living.'  Today, I move closer to creating cathedral moments, and finding the beauty in unsuspected places.....  I will be kind to myself when I miss it - and then I will try again. 

* One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp, Zondervan, 2010

** Jesus Calling, Sarah Young, Thomas Nelson, 2004

11. Protection

Sometimes I want things to happen so badly...... I can see it in my head...... the vision is brilliant..... the potential is staggering...... and then .......nothing.

I used to get incredibly frustrated in those experiences.  I would even get angry and bitter.

I am now realizing that sometimes....when things don't work out..... it might actually be protection.  God uses circumstances and people and even intuition to close the doors He doesn't want us to travel through. I know there have been many closed doors that I burned down instead of accepting the protection.  Some of those arson moments, I'm still paying for.

However, God does create beauty from ashes.  Even when I start the fire.  I have seen it happen in my own life....from the doors that I burned down instead of accepting His protection.  I wonder though.... is the beauty he created from my arson as beautiful as the plan He was trying to lead me toward by closing doors?

I won't ponder that thought too long..... I will just stop burning down doors :)

one thousand gifts -

11.  Protection through closed doors
12.  Mornings with Royce
13.  Yummy coffee with yummy creamer
14.  Envelope stuffing date with sweet friends for our Sunday + event at church
15.  Sunshine
16.  Birds chirping

7. Expressions of truth through love

Tonight I claimed creativity as part of my identity for the first time that I can remember. That might not seem like a huge deal to you.... but I realized this week it is, in fact, a huge deal.

I can not claim to be made in the image of God and claim to be 'not creative.' Unless- of course, I consider God to lack creativity. Just for the record ... using a burning bush to get the attention of man is creative genius. Right?!?!

I have claimed these lies many times....

"I am not the least bit creative."

"I'm a lot of things.... creative isn't one of them."

I've claimed agreement with that whisper of deception so often that it became my truth.

Thankfully- I have had a few amazing people placed in my life recently that carefully expressed a new truth, through love, to me......

Let's back up a bit.

Again- until recently I had a very distorted view of that scripture in Ephesians. I assumed that the scripture eluded to a structure of accountability. This structure included better people than me, that I desperately wanted to feel love from, telling me all the things I needed to 'fix' and all things that were 'wrong' about me. Then I could get busy working on 'fixing' and 'getting right' so I could be deserving of the love I craved.

I'm so thankful I was so incredibly wrong about that scripture. I've been wrong about many things- but I'm exceptionally thankful I was wrong about that.

I see it almost exactly opposite now. Those that love me.... love me in the way God intends us to love .... offer support.... offer encouragement... It is through those acts of love that truth expresses itself.

This truth looks more like a longing for me to lean in toward the love of God, to rest in the truth of salvation and grace, to cling to confidence that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. Ironically, this expression of truth has led me closer to change .... change of heart.... change of desires.

I have put to rest the desires to be worthy of the love of others'. The spirit of Christ within me has brought to life a desire fueled by a craving to love others in a way that they are led toward truth as well. that they will long for the light of peace and grace.

So, in continuation of my list of 'one thousand gifts' I add..

7. Those that love me and express truth in amazing ways.

8. Being creatively made in the image of a creative creator.

9. Creating with friends.

10. Being invited in to the lives, into the experiences, into the truth of those that love first.

11. This expression of my creativity.

Gifts

I have recently been challenged by two separate friends....from two separate parts of my life.... from two separate states....  to actively pursue a consistent heart of gratitude.  Coincidence? I think not.

I truly thought I had been 'thankful' for most of my life.  Even when I was self-destructing I could find so many things to be thankful for.  I was thankful.... right?!

Maybe I was.... but this 'giving thanks' feels different.

I had no idea how significantly I would be changed through this process.  This process of making lists; lists of things I am  'Giving Thanks' for.

I will not try to summarize the message of this book - I would surely get it wrong.  I encourage you to grab a copy for yourself and explore this concept of grace, gifts and mercy.   I want to offer one disclaimer on this book ; should any of you decide to join us in this journey.  The language is unusually poetic and slightly hard to follow at times.  PLEASE do not allow her language style to distract you from her beautiful message.  

I'm starting my list of one thousand gifts.... I'd love for you to join me. 

1.  Space heaters

2.  A sense of humor regarding said space heater since it is April Third.

3.  A quiet office.

4.  Books that guide me away from my selfishness and closer to a heart of Christ.

5.  Friends that challenge me to 'give thanks' with no agenda other than love

6.  Technology