Enough Already!!!!!

Do you ever get the feeling that someone is trying to tell you something?  More specifically, do you ever feel like God is sending you a message, you don't want to hear?

Everywhere I look lately I am being challenged to step past my boundaries of safety and comfort.  It's this ever present message of:

"Victory only comes when you're willing to do the right thing, with the right heart: even when it feels absolutely wrong."

Today, I heard myself say out loud, "Fine!!!!  I get it!  Enough already!"

Admittedly, I have been more committed to convenience, self-satisfaction and easy-living than I have been to anything else for most of my life.  This confession is not easy, but it's true.  The only thing harder than stating the confession is acknowledging the fruits of my mis-guided faithfulness.  It's not a pretty list.....fruits of: anxiety, paranoia, hurt, anger...

The good news is.... I have been pruning my branches for quite some time now.  It's a slow change, but it's change none the less.  I have discovered freedom in 'getting over myself.'  Loving more.  Giving more.  Caring more.  Forgiving more.  Serving more.

The bad news is...... I'm realizing, I've only just begun the pruning process.  Not only that, but the hardest part of this 'pruning' is happening right now.  It's brutal.  It's uncomfortable.  It's abrasive.

The proverbial straw:

Today, I read an excerpt from a devotional that went something like this: *I've looked all over the world for a translation of the Bible that reads, 'Jesus washed the feet of all  the disciples; except Judas.'  I can't find a translation that reads that way anywhere. 

Did that sound a little like nails on chalk board to you too?  This reference to the way we should love and serve those that hurt us the most stings a bit.  I mean, we're talking about those that betray us, those that ridicule us, those that belittle us, those that would steal our hope and joy just to trade it for 30 shekels of silver.

Ouch!  I was feeling pretty good about myself.  Seriously.  I have forgiven... like really forgiven.  The kind of forgiving that made me feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  The kind of forgiving that made me realize I was hurting myself more than my offender by carrying that weight around.  I mean, REALLY FORGIVING!!

But, here's the thing:  I very rarely go out of my way to kind to the people that have hurt me.  It is even more rare that I seek out an opportunity to serve them in a way that is equivalent to washing feet.

Truth is- this devotional may have been the 'proverbial straw' that broke my camel's back, but God has been sending me this message over and over for several weeks.  "Victory only comes when you're willing to do the right thing, with the right heart: even when it feels absolutely wrong."  So, why do I continue to look for a different message?

Because it would be easier that's why!!!!  Because the high road scares the crap out of me and makes me vulnerable and afraid.  Because I'll have to sacrifice instant gratification for abrasive inner-discord.  Because it isn't fair.  Because it hurts.

But it's time.  It's time to push through. It's time to push on. It's time to push over the walls of safety and convenience. It's time to push in toward a heart of loving people from a place that isn't motivated by agenda or safety.

My head is already fighting this concept with a vengeance, so I need to stop now to let my heart focus on this truth:   I can do all things through Christ and His power within me.  I hear him saying, "Enough already."


*devotional was an excerpt from Max Lucado's book, Just Like Jesus

Pinterest....... Preposterous........ Pinterest

Sooooo.... when I first found Pinterest... I am not kidding.... I thought I heard angels singing.  Really.

I just KNEW this was the answer.  The answer to eliminating my deficiencies.  I would finally be able to craft like Alecia.  I would finally be able to decorate my house like Mary.  I would finally be able to make meals like Jill. I would finally be able to bake like Dawn.  I would finally be able to be as organized as Misty.  I would finally be able to up-cycle everything I ever used and single-handed-ly save the world from overpopulated land fills.

Stop the insanity!!

3900+  pins later..... I've created Pinterest Preposterous-ness!!! Leave it to me to take  Pinterest to extremes.

Don't get me wrong- I think it is a great concept for its' original intention; merely a virtual 'pin board' for some favorite ideas you'd like to try.  It is not, however, the answer for folks like me that me that are desperately seeking a strategy to measure up to the people they admire most around them. 

I'm officially letting myself off the Pinterest hook.  Not sure how I got there anyway!

Nobody put me on that hook.  No one ever told me I'm a bad mom or wife because I'm not crafty enough, or not organized enough, or because I'm not a decorating pro, or because I'm not a frequent baker.

I put me on that hook.  I imposed all of those expectations on myself.  Now, I'm un-imposing them.

I had an amazing childhood, in an amazing family, with amazing parents.   All that amazing-ness led to lots of amazing memories.   Thinking of those memories.... it wasn't an abundance of crafting projects.... it wasn't as a result of the ultimate organization, decorating or baking plans.....

You know what I remember?

My dad showed up to be the room mother once- he brought root beer barrels as the treat.  There wasn't a first grader alive that liked root beer barrels- but I didn't care.  My dad showed up.

My mom cooked dinner every night. We ate dinner together almost every night...at the kitchen table.  The memories at that table are filled with crazy laughter, silly sibling rivalry and family 'pow-wows.'

Our family wasn't perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but we were perfectly imperfect.  All without Pinterest.

So...... it begs the question? What will my babies remember?  What do I want them to remember?

Do I want them to remember how committed I was to organizing our house?  Or do I want them to remember the fun we had at the birthday parties?

Do I want them to remember the countless hours that I spent planning meals?  Or do I want them to remember the field trips that we went on together?

Do I want them to remember that playing was restricted to areas that wouldn't disrupt our Feng Shui?  Or do I want them to remember playing Marble Works in the middle of the living room?

So.... I begin to find the harmony between the things I would like to add to my 'memory building repertoire' ......and the things I just need to reconcile as 'not my gifts.'

I am not giving up Pinterest for Lent.  I will still rack up the 'pins' - of this, I'm sure.  I really love to see the ideas.... I LOVE it!

but....... 

No more trying to measure up....only celebrating the memories made...... and celebrating the people that join us in those memories....and celebrating the growth we find in disappointments.......and celebrating the freedom of letting myself live in my own gifts.

Put that in your preposterous pinterest pipe and smoke it :)

I have no idea.....

That has been a bit of an issue for me in the past.  Not knowing and uncertainty would lead to paralyzing anxiety.  

Most of my life I had an obsessive need to have a game plan.  Typically there were: several plans..... alternate plans....... even emergency plans..... you know, in case the other Five-hundred-thousand plans failed.    If I knew the plans, then..... I could go directly in to my future of hope, promise and prosperity.

 Right?!?!

I wanted to know what every option meant...how was it all going to work together for good toward this 'future' I am waiting for.  What if..... I travel this road... and my 'future' spontaneously com-busts?  Or.... what if I don't take this road and that is EXACTLY the road that leads directly to this ambiguous, elusive future?

One of the greatest gifts I have received through this journey of change and drawing closer to Jesus over the last two years is 'getting over it.'  I am slowly... more and more... every day.... getting over the need to know the plan...and the back up plan and the emergency plan.....because I don't have to know the plan.  God knows the plan.

I was reminded of this gift in my Jesus Calling* devotionals this week.  

Every minute I spend obsessing about what I should be doing.... how I should be doing it..... when I should be doing it.....  what could happen if I don't do it......I lose the gift of peace for that moment.

Rest and rejuvenation can only come when I am trusting that I am exactly where God intended for me to be in this moment.  When I really meditate on that -  trusting that I am right where I need to be in this moment.....it's amazing what treasures are waiting for me in each and every day.  I'm sure they have always been there.  I am thankful for open eyes to see them now and for the ability to really live and be present in those treasured moments.

A glimpse in to one of today's 'treasured moments'

Those treasures have lead to deeper gratitude, increased joy, extended grace, helping hands and lots of fun and laughing.

Don't misunderstand: I still don't know what tomorrow brings.  I am at a complete and utter loss as to how I will endure raising two pre-teen girls.  It's not clear how hurt will heal.  I have no idea how bills will get paid.  I surely can't imagine how God will weave together all of my mistakes together for good.  I have no idea.....And that's okay.

I know He knows.

Matthew 11:28-29 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls.

Romans 8:28 We are assured that all things work together for good to and for those who love God and are called according to His design and purpose.

*Jesus Calling is written by Sarah Young, published by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

I'm a Blogger

Well....sort of.... why is it so hard for me to say I'm a blogger with a straight face? To claim that title?  It isn't even a very attractive title right?  I'm a blogger?

Truth is.....I have written far more blogs than I have actually published.  There is always something....... something that stops me from clicking the 'publish' button after I have poured my story in to my blog account.

It sounds like this in my head as I consider clicking 'publish' : "Seriously- nobody cares about your witty insight on that story....actually it's really only witty and insightful to you....every one else is going to think you're a nut case......"  That's a mild day.  What is that?

It seems a common thread for several people I love lately.  Maybe not the confession of unpublished blogs....but the denial of pieces that are beautiful, talented, amazing and authentic to them.  It has really got me thinking...............

I am so quick to publicize my flaws...... my road rage moments...... my lack of kindness ...... my failed Pinterest projects.......  I am not quick, however, to claim my special gifts, my talents.  The parts of me that make me.....well....the me I aim to be.

I would rather display all of my faults and failures in Times Square, on my terms, than acknowledge my gifts....my strengths....my talents.  For most of my life, this negative publicity campaigned translated into some sense of protection in my brain.  I tried to protect myself from the nay-sayers.  I tried to protect myself from the bullies.  I tried to protect myself from stone-throwers.

Well......

I am retiring personal-protection-duty immediately.  I'm tired.  This negative publicity campaign has worn me out.  And....it's not working.  There will always be haters I think.  It is a reflection of the state of sin in this world.

But here's the thing...... God has been waiting for me to retire that post since before I even created it.  He has been waiting for me to bring my weakness to Him so that in return I can receive His grace..... His peace..... His favor........HIS protection.

I know that God has made me in His image.  I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  More than that, I know that I have gifts and talents that could only be from God himself.  There I said it.  I'm gifted.  I'm talented.  I'm working toward the divine purpose God has appointed for me!!

Take that to Time Square......as soon I can find that silly 'publish' button :)

If God is for me, who can be against me?  Romans 8:31