You're Doing it Wrong!!'

If you have not seen Mr. Mom..... you really should.  It is hilarious - and ridiculous- but mostly hilarious.  Michael Keaton  plays a guy that is laid off and his wife went back to work, and he is learning just how hard it is to stay home and take care of the house and kids and ....... well, you know.  

In one scene; he is trying to drop his kids off at school....  and it's raining.... like crazy raining...... and he drives in through the exit.... and it causes the entire well-oiled system of drop–offs to seize up completely….and it's painfully hilarious for anyone that has been in that situation.  

Horns are beeping. Parents are raising their hands in protest. And, to add insult to injury, one parent yells, "You're doing it wrong!!"  You can't help but laugh- and that's the point.  

Life is typically a bit less hilarious when it reminds us that we're doing it wrong though eh? 

The oldest daughter; the athletic, competitive, people-pleasing, incredibly talented, extremely helpful, boy-loving daughter- hurt her back last year.  The injury was a result of that volleyball sport she tried.  She doesn't know how to do anything half way- so when she strained a muscle, I wasn't incredibly surprised. 

Well, a whole sport season later, she made that strained muscle really mad long-jumping her athletic, competitive heart out.  That back injury was quiet for so long- we thought we were out of the woods. 

But that's thing about old injuries.....  they reveal their lack of healing at the most unsuspected time.  And they usually come back harder and meaner the second time to remind you, 'You're doing it wrong!'  

As I find myself in the middle of an all too familiar injury; heart break - I hear that reminder in my head and heart over and over.  "You're doing it wrong again! You did that all wrong- again!'  And it's loud and convincing, "YOU ARE ALL WRONG!!"  

If I let myself listen too long..... I start to lose my footing.  I start to believe I AM doing it all wrong- everything- wrong.  And when it feels all wrong - I feel myself stopping all things.  Paralysis sets in.  And everything is just too hard and too heavy to try again - 'cause I just can't handle hearing, 'You're doing it wrong!' again. 

The old me would lose herself in all-things-meaningless to avoid making a meal for my children when the "You're doing it wrong!" chorus began.  I am not kidding - I would binge watch Law and Order or scroll through my FaceBook feed - growing more and more jealous and paralyzed over your super 'doing it right' highlight reel while my backstage footage was full of "You're doing it wrong!"

 If you have ever seen my car, my house or my office during one of these stages of paralysis - you know exactly what I mean.  Laundry?  Cant do it. 

Wash dishes?   For sure not. 

 Make a meal - or a bowl of cereal for that matter?  Too hard. 

Wash the bath tub? Fugedaboudit!  

The new me though- she is learning to find a new response - slowly, but surely- a brand new response to those voices that say, ‘You’re doing it wrong.’  This might put me in a whole new category of crazy - but I'm comfortable with that.  Because I have to shut those voices up!  So I am talking back to them - I am putting them in their place.  I have even written my own new chorus - it's called "Shut the front door!  We don't want you round here no more!" 

Don't get me wrong - I am not denying that I have, in fact, gotten many things wrong.  Oh I have. Believe me.  And I am completely convinced I will make mistakes over and over.  But that is SO different than, ‘You’re doing it wrong.’

My Jody, best counselor in the world, helps me sift through all of the 'stuff' I brought to the table to get me to this place of heart break and overwhelm-ed-ness and grief.  She also is helping me remember that I am not a hostage to my internal critic.  I must intentionally change my internal dialog about myself.  And I am.

I'm actually following the lead of that oldest child on this.  Here's the thing - that back of hers was so hurt - we went to the emergency room - and that oldest girl of mine does NOT like Dr.s let alone emergency rooms.  Her back was in so much pain she was more afraid of what that pain meant than she was the hospital.  That is how much pain she was in.  

But you know what happened just a couple weeks ago - when it was time for soccer in the sand tournament? She showed up!  And she showed up in her true competitive, hold-nothing back form. She wasn't battling with an internal dialog over whether she was going to 'do it wrong again' and hurt her back.  She had learned through Physical Therapy some changes to make while she played sports and she trusted those changes would lead her in the right direction.  And they did. 

So- I will keep showing up.  I will keep counting gifts.  I will keep making our a house a safe home for my loves.  I will trust in the Lord, lean on Him, rely on Him with all of my heart. I will tackle one task at a time and applaud long and hard for me every time.  

And- as I move forward - one foot in front of the other- and breathing in and breathing out - I am going to trust myself.  I'm going to trust that the things I've learned will lead me toward God's plan of working all of this hot mess together for good.  

And I will not be held hostage to the critics; internal or otherwise.  'Cause that would be 'doing it wrong.'