Change what you can.....

It has been over a year since I lost my job.

The unemployment has run out.

My old friend anxiety showed up promptly for a rendez-vous.  She had her friends fear and failure with her, whispering familiar phrases: "You were barely hanging on while you were receiving unemployment, you'll never make it now."  "You've interviewed for 70,000 jobs, if you haven't been hired yet, you're not getting hired girl."  "You waited far too long to begin building your jewelry business to ever get to a point where it will support your family entirely."

I almost let her in too.  I stood in the doorway, even lingered for awhile.  If I'm being honest, I also joined in the whispering chorus of fear and failure.  I began to doubt.  I began to question.

Finally, I closed that door and left anxiety and her chorus of fear and failure on the outside.  I lingered longer than I would have liked with them in the door way.  However,  I did not invite them in!!  Perhaps, for the first time in my life, I did not let the thoughts of anxiety, fear and failure steal more than a few moments.

I can't change my circumstances.  I can, however, change the way I think about them.

I began to revisit the 'gifts' of this unemployed year.  Here's what I found.

1.  I need help.  I'm not sure why I was wired my whole life to feel like I needed to do it all.... by myself..... with a smile.... to consider myself worthy of the Human Race.  That's craziness.  The funniest part of this revelation is that I have actually received an embarrassing amount of help from my family through my entire life.  I just have never asked for it.  I would always accept help willingly - but I rarely asked for it.  I'm still not very good at asking- but, I'm getting better :)

2.  I really LOVE to help others.  It's funny.  This season of uncertainty, need, and unexpected loss has opened my eyes to how good I have it.  I have found more joy in helping others than ever.  Giving my time.  Giving my money.  Giving my heart.  That's when I feel most alive.

3.  I am really happy.  I mean, I'm REALLY happy.  I didn't realize that I wasn't completely happy before. But when your hope is built on people, status, titles and 'things' - there is much disappointment.  Now that my hope is built on God - I can see how all other ground is sinking sand.

After I shut the door on anxiety, fear and failure; I decided to take a good hard look at our current financial situation I was in humbled by what I found.  Although I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, to this point 1) we have less debt (not more) than we did a year ago when I lost my job, 2) although payments are late quite often, we still have not made any payments more than 25 days late 3) we have not missed any meals 4) we have enjoyed vacations, movies and trips to amusement parks that should not have been possible during times of unemployment.  Wow!!!

Matthew 6:34 "Don't worry about tomorrow.  Tomorrow will worry about itself."  I think I am finally understanding those words.  When I worry about how we are going to pay tomorrow's bills I forget to give thanks for the bills that are already paid.

Gift counting continued:

#613 Being able to serve the community along with my family.
#614 Not being late to school yet this year.
#615 Casserole from Andrea that was as good today as it was last night.